What I Have Learned

I have learned so much these last two weeks. I withdrew my children from the charter school that they were in. We attempted Connections Academy, and it is not what I expected. Turns out that the support isn't as big as I thought it would be, unless of course I was on the phone with the teacher all day.

I don't feel like we gave the school much time to see if it would work for us, but ya know we tried and it just isn't right for us at this time. We were doing "school" for 7 to 8 hours a day and we were still behind on lessons.

So here is what I have learned,

• timing is everything. I guess I was so caught up in trying to do what is best for my two oldest children that I forgot that I still needed to give my time and attention to my three other children ages 5 and younger. So, maybe in the future I can try again. But, next time I will know better what to expect.
• I may feel like I want or need my children home, but they really do need some things that I just can't offer them at this time. And that is okay.
• During this transition of homeschooling to going back to school it has really made me reflect on what I want my family to be like. I would like to expand on this thought.

At times, I feel like Heavenly Father is prompting me to do something so I go forward and do it. And then later it just doesn't feel right. This doesn't mean that my feeling was incorrect or that I was just imagining it up. I know what I felt. However I do feel that God is in full control. This thought from C.S. Lewis helps explain what I'm feeling:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what he is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.
But presently he starts knocking the house that in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is he up to? The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of-throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.
You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but he is building up a palace.

Maybe Heavenly Father knew just what I needed to get my head to think a little differently and one of the ways to get me to see a situation differently was to put me in a situation that will help me change, knock out a few walls, so new ones can be built.

From this situation I started to think, "What if I only had two more years with my family, how would I want them to remember me? How do I want to treat them? What do I want to teach them about how a family should be?"

I don't think I am where I want to be. I want to be the kind of mom that really listens to her kids. Not just nod my head and say uh huh. I want to say "yes" more than "no", and why not, if one can say yes then do it. I think my natural response is no.

I want to be the kind of mom that has the kind of relationship with my kids where we can talk about anything.

I want to have the kind of home that feels safe.

Before I was married, I was asked the question, "what kind of home do you want to have?" My response was, "I want to live in a home that is filled with respect and love." I think I am mostly there. I have to laugh, because growing up that was one of my trade marks. I had and still have a talent of making sure that if you are around me you will show respect. I will not allow disrespect.

It has been nice re-evaluating my life and my family situation.

I have also found that I am ready for the next stage in life. If I don't have any more children I am okay with that. I love babies but I feel at peace having 5 children.

So maybe in a few years I will think about homeschooling yet again, but until then I will enjoy my younger children while the others are at school.

Oh I should probably mention that I found a Montessori school. E and D have gone for two days now. E says it is strange and D loves it so far.